Let's Play in My Brain

I found this amazing post on Facebook by Tasha Swisher. For once, someone else literally posted what runs through my mind, daily. So with her permission I'm going to add a few more thoughts at the end but I'm letting her words do most of the speaking. Her ability to describe what goes through our minds is so much clearer than I could

put down.

Links to her Facebook and Instagram👇

https://www.facebook.com/tasha.klaus

https://www.instagram.com/tashaswisher/

So From Tasha,

"Anxiety. Thoughts I thought were normal:

When you are driving over a bridge and you envision it collapsing and how you will roll the windows down while also getting the kids out of the car seats midair before hitting the water and then waiting for the car to fill with water while holding your kids breath and not panicking until the car is full of water and you can swim out with both kids.

When you are anywhere in public and you feel that If your kid leaves your sight for a second they will be stolen and you will never see them again, you have already remembered exactly what they are wearing in case this happens.

When you are walking on a sidewalk and you have to hold on to you kids shirt or arm Because you are certain they will leap Into oncoming traffic, you envision it happening it already feels so real. Leading to short patience for the hopping around little one, they don’t realize their life could be in danger.

When you are watching 3 different people in your peripheral view to make sure they aren’t following you. It’s being afraid of being in a movie theatre alone thinking what If someone hid and is waiting for the next movie to attack. It’s making alternative routes when groups of people are standing around in case their intentions are to grab you or your kids and drive away with them. It’s imaging what you are would do in the situation. It feels like it’s about to happen; body in full flight or fight mode. It’s envisioning those bad intentions coming to reality and not knowing how to escape and getting your kids to safety.

It’s walking with your car keys ready at all times and rushing to the car like someone is following you in broad daylight.

When you analyze every little thing you say. You are thinking about what you will reply to someone when they are STILL talking because you don’t want to be sitting there with nothing to say back to them. When you feel straight up socially awkward at all times like everyone can see into your racing mind and know how uncomfortable you are.

When you see a fire truck go by while your son is at school, you rush and drive by the school to make sure it’s not on fire because you already envisioned your son stuck inside a burning building with no way to get out because you know that no one can look out for them like a mother can.

When you are home alone and feel like you have to look over your shoulder constantly. When you are showering in the house alone and get out multiple times to make sure you are still alone.

It’s being bed ridden in the middle of the day. When you overstuff your schedule when you are feeling good and then cancel when the day comes.

It’s the need to have everything in your control. It’s driving yourself because when someone else is driving you can already see the car accident in your head. It’s triple checking car seat buckles. It’s hours of car seat research. It’s researching everything obsessively.

When you are afraid to walk by windows in the house at night because you think people are watching you. It’s being prepared and ready every night for someone to break in your house and how you will protect the kids while fighting them off and where they will hide and replaying this over and over again in your head. It’s constant fear of the worst scenarios imaginable.

These feelings are real. It’s like a bottle of soda shaken up and the lid never releases pressure. It’s why when your spouse gets home at 5, you are done, maxed out. You are mentally drained and ready for bed. It’s why every outing is a tiring event that leaves you with days to recover from. It’s also easy to brush it off as just being a momma. Or just relax. Or just calm down. Or just don’t worry about it.

I am the face of anxiety.

Invisible to the eye doesn’t make it any less real to the person going through it.

You are not alone." ~Tasha Swisher

Annnndddd I'm back!

This is a small portion of my day. Throw in the over analyzing what I said or didn't say and how I said it or didn't say it. Also who was or wasn't around when I said it. Thinking about people's faces and what the micro expressions mean. Then thinking about what I may or may not have done to cause the face. Agonizing over how to best word an email to a teacher and then fearing that I just sounded like a GIANT bitch helicopter mom or a mom who maybe should care more. Stressing when I message Jason and he doesn't answer right away and I start making contingency plans because I'm 100% sure he got hurt doing something at home and I'm not sure how I'm going to tell the boys their daddy was hurt. Also I need to now leave work to make sure he's safe (*newsflash...it was 7:30 am and he was sleeping*). Thinking about the fact that someone hasn't liked ANY of my Facebook posts in a while and then checking to see if they unfriended me...because why would they want to be my friend anyway? It's been 20 minutes....are you tired yet? Because I am. This is every day. Oh wait How am I going to get my clients safely out of the store if someone starts shooting? Did I make their doc appointment? Oh shit I need to call insurance with them and ask that question? And fill out the other client's redetermination paperwork. Did I fill the work car up? Send that email? Maybe I should have worded it differently. Carter only got 2 green dojos. I hope he's having a good day. I hope I didn't piss his teacher off with my message. I think it sounded nice *reread email 45 times* Another 10 minutes has passed.

After work.

Brain: Pull out in front of that car.

Hit that tree.

You really should just make everyone else's life easier and better by not being in it.

Racing thoughts. Pick up kids from sitter, stop by store, homework, baths, dogs in and out, fed, dinner, laundry, snuggles and stories, finally shower time for mom.

What did I fail at today? Why did I say that? I need to make better meals. I should spend more time with the boys. Can we cover the bills? FUCK, I forgot (insert task, bill, phone call, and 77000 other things). Wash hair, body, stand under the water and cry.

Shower's over.

In front of the mirror. Analyzing every flaw in your skin, every divet and stretch mark. Obsessively buying makeup and skin care products hoping to be pretty enough to feel worthy. Remembering that even though you lost almost 85 lbs of baby weight and pregnancy complication weight, you didn't lose it all. Reminding yourself that you did good things and helped people but still hating your entire self because you didn't do enough (in your eyes).

At some point I'll try to sleep and my brain will continue to fight me. It will try to convince me that I'm not worthy. That I shouldn't be here.

I will continue to tell it to fuck right off.

Anxiety sucks. Fighting to raise your own self esteem sucks. Trying to ensure you help people feel valuable and worthy because you genuinely believe they are valuable and worthy, while you yourself don't think you are is FUCKING.HARD. Suicidal ideation doesn't go away. It hides and shows itself at the worst times. Anxiety and ideation. They're both liars. Really good liars. I hate liars.

Be kind. Be understanding. Know those around you that fight their demons daily won't always be able to ask for help. Sometimes they need you to sit with them in their fight. Sometimes they need you to remind them their brain is lying. Sometimes they need to be in bed all day. They definitely always need you to love them as they are.

XxOo- Jess